MARCH 6, 2007

Full News Archive

• Headline: G.O.P. Shifts Focus on Trade Policy. Impact: This newfound willingness to work with Democrats on trade deals sparked an unexpected bipartisan friendship that led to the formation of the 'Let's Pretend We're Friends' caucus, which ultimately resulted in the creation of a national holiday: 'Compromise Day.' Celebrated by all, it involves sitting around a table, agreeing on nothing, but enjoying a lot of snacks.. Fact: The last time the G.O.P. was willing to work with Democrats, they ended up creating the most confusing bingo game ever, where no one knew what the terms actually meant..
• Headline: Celebrating Evolutionary Innovation and Surprise. Impact: Had evolutionary innovation not occurred, we might have evolved into a planet populated solely by sentient seaweed that held the most riveting debates about photosynthesis. Instead, here we are, still struggling to agree on what toppings belong on pizza.. Fact: If evolution had taken a different path, instead of humans developing language, we might be communicating through interpretive dance—which would have made political debates much more entertaining..
• Headline: Blackstone Acquires Tussauds Group. Impact: The acquisition of the Tussauds Group led to the creation of a wax statue of the average investor, which somehow ended up being more lifelike than actual investors, causing a crisis in authenticity among financial professionals worldwide.. Fact: Madame Tussaud herself was a sculptor who originally made wax figures of executed criminals—imagine if she had turned her talents to today’s CEOs, the world would look like a bizarre horror museum!.
• Headline: Two Officers Speak to Grand Jury on Killing of Unarmed Black Man. Impact: The officers’ decision to waive immunity opened a floodgate of transparency that led to an unprecedented movement for police accountability. Ironically, it also resulted in a comedy club dedicated to the 'real-life experiences of cops,' which was surprisingly popular.. Fact: The last time officers chose to testify voluntarily, they ended up revealing that donuts were indeed an official food group in their training manuals—who would have guessed?.