FEBRUARY 18, 2007

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Police's Surprising Reunion Tour. Impact: The Police's reunion tour sparked a resurgence in 80s nostalgia, leading to a global obsession with neon leg warmers and synthesizers. In 2030, a time traveler accidentally misinterprets 'Roxanne' as an intergalactic distress signal, resulting in first contact with a species that only communicates through song.. Fact: Sting once claimed he could tell the future, which is ironic because he certainly didn't foresee the endless reunion tours he would partake in. At this rate, he'll be on tour in 2080, playing 'Every Breath You Take' to a crowd of robots..
• Headline: Insurgent Strategy Against Coalition Aircraft. Impact: These attacks were part of a chain reaction that led to an increase in drone technology. Fast forward to 2025, when a self-aware drone decides it wants to become a stand-up comedian, ultimately leading to the first robotic comedy club in Las Vegas.. Fact: Turns out, insurgents are not the only planners in this story. The U.S. military has a strategic plan for everything - including how to make a killer guacamole for their next Super Bowl party..
• Headline: Will Other Mortgage Dominoes Fall?. Impact: The mortgage industry’s slow realization of its own doom caused a massive shift towards alternative housing solutions. By 2025, everyone was living in tiny homes made from recycled shipping containers, with investors wondering how they missed the tiny house trend on the horizon.. Fact: The only thing slower than investors realizing their investments are tanking is a sloth trying to cross the road. Spoiler alert: it doesn't end well for the sloth..
• Headline: The Psychology of Pricing. Impact: The psychology of pricing paved the way for the rise of absurdly priced avocado toast. By 2028, a single slice goes for $50, leading to a nationwide revolt against brunch culture and the birth of the 'No-Price' movement.. Fact: If pricing were an Olympic sport, we'd all have gold medals in wishful thinking by now. Just ask anyone trying to sell a used car..