FEBRUARY 17, 2007

Full News Archive

• Headline: Honoring Jimmy Regan's Ultimate Loyalty. Impact: Jimmy Regan's choice to serve instead of pursuing law school sparked a series of 'team-first' movements that eventually led to a bizarre trend of athletes becoming motivational speakers. Who knew a lacrosse player could inspire a career in public speaking?. Fact: Did you know that choosing between law school and the Army has a 50% chance of making you a future motivational poster? 'Choose Your Path' just got a new meaning!.
• Headline: Controversy Over Mandatory Cervical Cancer Vaccine. Impact: The furor over the cervical cancer vaccine led to a butterfly effect of public debates about health, autonomy, and the price of medical innovation, culminating in a reality show where contestants compete to fund their own vaccines. Because why not turn health into entertainment?. Fact: Did you know that the cost of the cervical cancer vaccine could buy you a small island in the Caribbean? But hey, who needs a vacation when you can have a vaccine that might save your life?.
• Headline: House Rejects Troop Increase Proposal. Impact: The resolution for more troops not only deepened divisions in Congress but also triggered a nationwide 'debate' that involved more shouting than listening. This led to the invention of the 'Senate Scream-Off', a sport where politicians yell louder than each other for charity.. Fact: Did you know that 246 to 182 is the official score of the 'Most Useless Debate' contest? No trophies were awarded, just more division!.
• Headline: Lawmakers in Trenton Are Drawn Into Inquiry. Impact: The corruption inquiry in New Jersey became a case study for future politicians on how to dodge subpoenas and still keep a straight face. It inspired the creation of a new political science course titled 'How to Be a Politician: A Guide to Not Getting Caught.'. Fact: Did you know that being served a subpoena in New Jersey is about as common as getting a bagel? They go hand in hand—just don't ask for cream cheese on your legal papers!.
• Headline: Cycling Race Says It Failed to Test for EPO. Impact: The admission that the Tour of California failed to test for EPO led to a scandal that resulted in mandatory drug tests for all athletes. This subsequently inspired a new sport: competitive dodging of drug tests, which is now an Olympic event. Just kidding... or am I?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more inflated than the cyclists' egos is the number of excuses they come up with for failing drug tests? 'I thought EPO was a new energy drink' is a classic!.