FEBRUARY 12, 2007

Full News Archive

• Headline: The Oscar Eligibility Debate Explained. Impact: The Oscars become a battleground for producer egos, leading to a secret society of 'Oscar Walkers' who decide eligibility with a coin flip and a dance-off. Future filmmakers will be forced to include interpretive dance in their acceptance speeches.. Fact: Did you know that the Academy Awards are actually just a cover for an underground dance competition? The winners are decided by the best choreography, not the best film!.
• Headline: Dixie Chicks Triumph at Grammy Awards. Impact: The Dixie Chicks' win inspires a musical revolution, leading to a future where all pop stars must include a political statement in their lyrics or risk being booed off stage. The world eventually becomes one long protest song.. Fact: Fun fact: The Dixie Chicks once made a joke about how they'd only perform at the Grammys if they could get their own personal jet. Spoiler alert: they didn't get it!.
• Headline: Clinton and Obama Tackle Iraq Challenges. Impact: The differing strategies on Iraq lead to a bizarre political trend where all future candidates must take a 'War on Ideas' quiz before running for office, resulting in a future where politicians use crayons to illustrate their plans.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'road tested' in politics just means driving around in a van, pretending to listen to voters while secretly munching on organic snacks?.
• Headline: Believing Scripture but Playing by Science’s Rules. Impact: Marcus R. Ross's work leads to a new branch of science where paleontology and creationism collide, resulting in future scientists having to wear tinfoil hats while debating the age of dinosaurs in church basements.. Fact: Did you know that the scientific community once attempted to combine paleontology and creationism into a new field called 'Paleocreationology'? Sadly, it was just a series of awkward dinner parties..
• Headline: Failed Bid Is Setback for Growth at Nasdaq. Impact: Nasdaq's failed bid creates a butterfly effect that leads to a future where stock exchanges are run entirely by cats, who are known for their investment strategies based on napping patterns and laser pointers.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing scarier than a failed stock bid is a cat with a calculator? They can be surprisingly shrewd investors..