JANUARY 25, 2007

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senate Rejects Bush's Iraq Strategy. Impact: This rejection sent ripples through the political landscape, causing countless coffee shop debates and a sudden influx of protest signs that will eventually be used as trendy wall art in hipster living rooms around the nation.. Fact: Nonbinding resolutions: perfect for when you want to look like you’re doing something without actually committing to anything. It’s like saying you’ll start exercising next week..
• Headline: Transforming Arts Financing in NYC. Impact: This funding shift led to an explosion of avant-garde art pieces that no one understands, but everyone pretends to appreciate, thereby ensuring that hipster coffee shops will always have something to display on their walls.. Fact: Bloomberg's arts financing plan was so elaborate that it could have funded several Broadway productions, but alas, we got more interpretive dance and less Les Misérables..
• Headline: N.F.L. and Union to Strengthen Steroid Testing. Impact: Strengthening steroid testing in the NFL eventually led to a dramatic increase in players trying to find more creative ways to enhance their performance, including everything from goat's milk to questionable herbal supplements.. Fact: The only thing more inflated than NFL players' egos is their willingness to deny using steroids while simultaneously bench-pressing a school bus..
• Headline: A Halting Plea for Mercy, Heavily Edited. Impact: The plea for mercy became a pivotal moment in the public's understanding of crime and justice, influencing countless debates on the morality of the death penalty, ultimately making true crime podcasts a billion-dollar industry.. Fact: Ronell Wilson's courtroom statements were so heavily edited that they could have been a trailer for a new reality show: 'Courtroom Confessions: The Uncut Version.'.