JANUARY 4, 2007

Full News Archive

• Headline: Giants vs. Eagles: A Pivotal Playoff Clash. Impact: Had the Giants won that playoff game, they might have been propelled into a vortex of glory, leading to a decade of dominance. However, the alternate timeline where they lost may have resulted in a series of bizarre off-season decisions, including a new mascot: a giant, sad eagle.. Fact: Fun fact: the Giants' playoff games are so crucial that they can alter the emotional state of an entire city. Who needs therapy when you have sports?.
• Headline: Yankees Consider Alternative Pitching Strategies. Impact: If the Yankees had taken this advice and sought out obscure pitchers, they might have unwittingly created a league of underdog heroes. This would have inspired a generation of fans to root for 'the little guy,' leading to a dramatic decline in ticket sales for the Yankees as they became the 'villains' of the story.. Fact: Did you know that Roger Clemens was 44 and still could throw faster than most of us can run? But hey, let's go for the unknowns instead!.
• Headline: To Sleep, Perchance to Succeed. Impact: If nighttime self-improvement tapes really took off, we might have ended up with an entire generation that was too well-rested and self-actualized, leading to a world where people actually liked each other. It could have caused a decline in social media engagement, and we can't have that, can we?. Fact: Did you know that 'sleeping your way to success' used to be a euphemism for something else entirely? Now it’s just a literal suggestion for self-improvement..