NOVEMBER 5, 2006

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reviving Saturn Homecomings for New Fans. Impact: If Saturn Homecomings become a thing again, you might just wake up one day to find people in togas celebrating the return of Saturn with an annual festival. Next thing you know, the world is stuck in a perpetual ancient Roman party. Who knew a planet could cause such chaos?. Fact: Saturn is the only planet in our solar system that has a day length shorter than a year. So, technically, who cares about Homecomings when time itself is a construct?.
• Headline: The 2007 Saturn Aura Revolutionizes Design. Impact: The Saturn Aura's launch might have led to a secret cabal of car enthusiasts whose sole mission is to spread the word that sedans can actually be fun. They might even overthrow the SUV regime one day, resulting in a world where people actually care about fuel efficiency again.. Fact: The Saturn Aura was so distinctive that it almost convinced people that sedans could have personality. Spoiler: they still can’t..
• Headline: Could You Call Them ‘Business Climbers’?. Impact: The rise of ‘business climbers’ may lead to a future where every socialite has a personal brand consultant and we all become walking advertisements. In a few decades, people might start naming their children after Instagram filters.. Fact: The obsession with branding has gotten so intense that ‘socialite’ is now a career option. Next up: professional line stander for the latest iPhone..
• Headline: Anger Joins Grief as Marine’s Family Feels Misled. Impact: The grief of a Marine's family, compounded by a failure in communication, may lead to sweeping changes in military transparency. This could eventually create a world where families are actually informed instead of left in the dark. What a novel idea!. Fact: This event highlights the importance of communication. If only they could have sent a text, perhaps it would have saved a lot of heartache..