SEPTEMBER 9, 2006

Full News Archive

• Headline: Ex-Congress Aide's Spy Case Update. Impact: If this ex-Congress aide had just decided to take up knitting instead of espionage, we might have a world where politicians are known for their cozy cardigans instead of spy scandals. Talk about a fashion revolution!. Fact: Did you know that in some alternate timeline, this aide became a world-renowned knitting champion? Yeah, neither do I..
• Headline: Bush's Strategy to Reclaim Public Image. Impact: Bush's strategy to regain an edge might have ultimately led to the invention of 'Presidential Lip Service' as a new Olympic sport. Gold medals for everyone who can spin a narrative without actually saying anything!. Fact: Fun fact: In 2005, the Bush Administration's strategy was so convoluted that it inspired a new genre of political fiction called 'Fantasy Government.'.
• Headline: Suicide Bomber Kills 16 in Kabul Near Embassy. Impact: This bombing not only escalated violence in Afghanistan but also led to an increase in global security measures, which ironically made airport security lines longer than most movies. Thanks, terrorism!. Fact: Did you know? This event contributed to the rise of the TSA, making it less of a travel agency and more of a human obstacle course..
• Headline: During Jittery Moments, an N.F.L. You Don’t See. Impact: The internal struggles of NFL players could have led to the creation of a new league: the National League of Pre-Game Therapy. Just think, therapists in helmets!. Fact: Did you know that some players have been known to meditate before games? Apparently, it's not just the physical training; it's also about finding your Zen before getting tackled by 300-pound men!.