AUGUST 9, 2006

Full News Archive

• Headline: Art Takes to the Mississippi River. Impact: As performance art collectives scatter their chaos down the Mississippi, they inadvertently inspire a future generation of confused tourists who think 'art' means painting on their rental kayaks. This leads to an unprecedented rise in 'artistic' boat rentals, forever altering the economy of the riverbank.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'art is subjective' was actually coined by a confused riverboat captain who once mistook a floating installation for a new species of fish?.
• Headline: Apotex Launches Generic Plavix Successfully. Impact: The arrival of generic Plavix not only brings down drug prices but also inspires a wave of other generics to enter the market, leading to a bizarre future where people start bartering with pills instead of cash. Welcome to the Pharmacy Economy!. Fact: Did you know that Plavix is actually Latin for 'I can’t believe it’s not butter'? No? Well, now it is..
• Headline: A Bank for Every Block. Impact: As banks proliferate like rabbits, they inadvertently spark a 'banking competition' where each institution tries to outdo the other with ludicrous offerings, ultimately leading to a future where you can get a bank account with a side of fries. Welcome to capitalism, folks!. Fact: Fun fact: The phrase 'banking on it' originally referred to the act of literally betting your life savings on a game of hopscotch. Turns out, that was a bad idea..
• Headline: Planning Groups Say Region Must Rethink Policies on Land Use. Impact: The urgent call to rethink land use policies leads to a series of increasingly bizarre zoning laws, including one that prohibits building any structure taller than a hot air balloon. In this alternate reality, the skyline is forever dotted with inflatable art installations.. Fact: Did you know that in some places, 'land use' is actually an ancient code word for 'which field can we accidentally plant a giant statue in next'?.