AUGUST 1, 2006

Full News Archive

• Headline: Arts Funding Uncertainty in Lower Manhattan. Impact: The demise of the Lower Manhattan Development Agency unleashed a wave of hipster coffee shops that led to an unprecedented rise in artisanal avocado toast consumption. By 2030, this would result in a global shortage of avocados, sending fruit prices skyrocketing and causing the Great Avocado Wars of 2035.. Fact: If you're wondering where all the arts funding went, it turns out it was primarily diverted to a secret underground opera house run by raccoons. They have a surprisingly good sense of rhythm..
• Headline: F.D.A. Endorses Next-Day Pill Sales. Impact: The F.D.A.'s shift on the next-day pill caused a chain reaction leading to the formation of a global emergency contraceptive black market, where each pill was sold with a complimentary keychain and a very questionable backstory.. Fact: Before this endorsement, emergency contraceptives were mostly used as a last resort, much like a fire extinguisher in a kitchen filled with flammable materials. Just a little too late, you know?.
• Headline: MTV's Influence on Youth Culture. Impact: MTV's eternal youth led to a cultural phenomenon where 40-year-olds started dressing like their 11-year-old selves, sparking the 'Gen X Crisis' which would eventually result in the invention of the 'dad bod' and a whole new fashion line of cargo shorts.. Fact: MTV has been around so long that it has witnessed the birth of multiple generations, all of whom think they invented the concept of 'cool'—spoiler alert: they didn't..
• Headline: Evolution’s Backers in Kansas Start Counterattack. Impact: The counterattack by evolution's backers in Kansas resulted in a bizarre timeline where dinosaurs were resurrected via gene therapy, leading to a series of disastrous dinosaur-themed amusement parks that ultimately closed due to complaints about customer safety.. Fact: It's ironic that in a state known for its strong agricultural roots, the education board is still trying to unearth the real roots of evolution. Maybe they should consider digging a little deeper?.