JUNE 29, 2006

Full News Archive

• Headline: Kerik Close to Guilty Plea Agreement. Impact: If Kerik hadn't accepted those apartment renovations, who knows? Maybe he'd have inspired a whole new wave of ethical police commissioners—or perhaps the NYPD would have just had a few less scandals to laugh about over drinks.. Fact: Did you know that accepting gifts in exchange for favors is basically the plot of every bad cop movie ever? Clearly, life imitates art, just with fewer car chases..
• Headline: A-Rod's Game-Winning Homer. Impact: Rodriguez's home run not only saved the Yankees from a humiliating loss but also inadvertently set off a chain reaction of fans believing they could eat nachos and still have a productive evening. Thanks, A-Rod!. Fact: Did you know that Rodriguez's home runs are like unicorns? Rare, magical, and usually followed by a discussion about performance-enhancing substances..
• Headline: Supreme Court Upholds Texas Redistricting. Impact: This Supreme Court decision sparked a political wildfire, leading to a series of gerrymandered districts that would make even a toddler's crayon drawing look like a masterpiece. Thanks, democracy!. Fact: Did you know that gerrymandering is named after Elbridge Gerry, who was so good at it they should really have just given him a trophy? But who needs fair representation when you can have a convoluted map?.
• Headline: Giving the Artists a Voice in Preserving Their Work. Impact: The Whitney exhibition's installation challenges led to a cultural renaissance of artists demanding to have their voices heard. Who knew that a little chaos in art conservation could lead to a revolution?. Fact: Did you know that modern art is often described as 'the more confusing, the better'? It’s like a Rorschach test, just with fewer ink blots and more existential dread..
• Headline: BP Named in Inquiry on Propane Pricing. Impact: BP's propane pricing scandal not only contributed to heating costs but also sowed distrust in one of the world's largest corporations, making conspiracy theorists everywhere feel validated. Thanks, BP!. Fact: Did you know that BP stands for 'Beyond Profit'? Just kidding, it stands for British Petroleum. But they should consider rebranding after this—maybe into 'Burning People'?.