APRIL 18, 2006

Full News Archive

• Headline: Deadly Suicide Bombing in Israel Approved by Hamas. Impact: In an alternate timeline, if this bombing had never happened, a group of time travelers would have used the resulting peace to establish a successful intergalactic taco stand, leading to world peace through culinary diplomacy.. Fact: Did you know that in the realm of irony, nothing says 'peace process' like a bombing? It's like ordering a salad at a steakhouse..
• Headline: Black-Footed Ferrets: A Battle for Survival. Impact: If black-footed ferrets had developed a resistance to plague instead of facing new challenges, they'd become the world's first ferret superheroes, saving prairie dogs and starting a reality TV show.. Fact: Fun fact: Black-footed ferrets are basically the drama queens of the animal kingdom. They can’t even handle one disease without it turning into a soap opera..
• Headline: Reviving Babylon: Peaceful Restoration Efforts. Impact: Had Babylon been fully restored, it might have become a hotspot for time tourists seeking ancient selfies, leading to a spike in Instagram filters that simulate ancient Mesopotamian aesthetics.. Fact: Did you know that Babylon was so advanced it could have invented Wi-Fi? Too bad they were too busy building ziggurats to bother with the internet..
• Headline: Evacuee Study Finds Declining Health. Impact: If the health of evacuees from Hurricane Katrina had improved significantly, it could have sparked a nationwide trend of disaster preparedness, causing grocery stores to run out of kale instead of canned beans.. Fact: Did you know that health studies often reveal more about society than we like to admit? Like how we’re really good at ignoring disasters until they knock on our front door..
• Headline: A Real Flip-Flopper, at 3 Trillion Times a Second. Impact: If scientists had figured out how to harness the flip-flopping of particles, we might have solved the energy crisis with a perpetual motion machine, and everyone would have been too busy partying to worry about climate change.. Fact: Did you know that antimatter is like the universe's way of saying, 'I hate your science project'? Because it sure has a flair for the dramatic..