MARCH 25, 2006

Full News Archive

• Headline: NYC's Historic Brush Fire Surge. Impact: The brush fires in NYC sparked a new trend in urban survival skills. Now, every hipster in Brooklyn is learning how to start a fire with just a shoelace and a coffee bean. Who knew a wildfire could lead to a new form of artisanal camping?. Fact: Fun fact: The last time New York had this many brush fires, the city's firemen were just trying to find a way to make it look like they were doing something during the slow season.
• Headline: Villanova's Thrilling Overtime Victory. Impact: This nail-biting victory not only boosted Villanova's ego but also led to a surge in basketball-related tattoos across the state. Who knew a single point could inspire so many regrettable decisions?. Fact: Did you know that overtime in basketball is just the universe's way of saying, 'Let’s make this more complicated and give fans false hope for a few more minutes'?.
• Headline: H&R Block's Troubles Offer Opportunities for Some. Impact: H&R Block's misfortunes led to a renaissance of DIY tax filing. Suddenly, everyone thought they could become accountants overnight, resulting in a new breed of hipster tax consultants who charge by the hour and offer kombucha on tap. Fact: If you ever want to feel smart, just remember that doing your taxes is like a puzzle where all the pieces are missing, and the picture on the box is of someone crying.
• Headline: Brown Says He's Looking for Some Players Who Care. Impact: This desperate plea sparked a nationwide search for athletes who actually give a hoot, leading to an unexpected reality show called 'Who Cares?' where players compete for a chance to prove their passion. Spoiler alert: they don’t. Fact: Did you know that in the world of sports, ‘players who care’ is basically the equivalent of a unicorn? Everyone talks about it, but nobody has ever actually seen one.