JANUARY 21, 2006

Full News Archive

• Headline: Cufflinks Journey to China's Heart. Impact: Frank's trip sparked an unquenchable demand for cufflinks in China, leading to an underground movement of cufflink enthusiasts who now secretly trade them like they're rare artifacts. In 50 years, cufflinks will be the currency of choice in a dystopian society.. Fact: Cufflinks were once considered so essential that a gentleman wouldn't leave the house without them. Now, they're mostly used to signify that a man has given up on wearing a full suit..
• Headline: Cuba Joins the Baseball Classic. Impact: Cuba's entry into the Classic was the catalyst for a minor international incident where diplomats argued whether 'Classic' referred to the quality of the athletes or the number of cigars smoked during the event.. Fact: Cuba has produced some of the best athletes in the world, possibly fueled by their passionate debates over rum, cigars, and the best way to avoid U.S. sanctions..
• Headline: Morgan Stanley's Strategic Growth Initiative. Impact: Morgan Stanley's focus on finding a successor led to a bizarre reality show called 'The Next Financial Guru,' where contestants battled it out using only PowerPoint presentations and awkward networking skills. This show inspired a new generation of finance majors to dress like they’re going to a funeral.. Fact: If you think finding a successor is tough, try finding a decent WiFi connection in the Morgan Stanley offices. It's like searching for a needle in a haystack—if the haystack were made of outdated technology..
• Headline: Medicare Woes Take High Toll on Mentally Ill. Impact: Stephen Starnes' experience with Medicare will lead to future legislation that makes it mandatory for pharmacies to keep a 'Crying Room' for distressed patients. This room will be furnished with plush pillows and soothing lavender scents.. Fact: The irony of Medicare woes is that in the future, people will have more success getting their medications through black market channels than through their health insurance. Who knew the black market was the solution to modern-day pharmacy problems?.