DECEMBER 22, 2005

Full News Archive

• Headline: Knicks Struggle Against Spurs in Defeat. Impact: The Knicks' loss set off a chain reaction in basketball that led to the rise of numerous conspiracy theories about cursed teams. Somewhere in the multiverse, a parallel Knicks team is winning every championship, but we just don't want to talk about them.. Fact: Did you know that the Knicks have been 'working on their game' since 1946, yet somehow remain experts in the art of losing? It's like they majored in it..
• Headline: Time Warner Appoints Jeffrey Bewkes as President. Impact: Bewkes' appointment created a ripple effect that resulted in the rise of corporate insiders everywhere. In an alternate timeline, the position was filled by a pet goldfish, which surprisingly led to better ratings and more colorful programming.. Fact: Fun fact: Choosing an insider is basically corporate speak for 'we're too lazy to consider new ideas.' Because who needs innovation when you can just recycle the same old faces?.
• Headline: Qatar's Natural Gas Revolution. Impact: Qatar's leap into the natural gas market triggered a global scramble for energy, ultimately leading to an underground society of gas barons who meet under the cover of night to discuss world domination—while sipping on overpriced lattes.. Fact: Did you know that natural gas was once considered useless? It’s like that kid in school who grew up to be a millionaire, while everyone thought he’d be living in his mom's basement forever..
• Headline: Tough Stance, Tougher Fines:Union Leader Is in a Corner. Impact: Toussaint's negotiations might have inspired future union leaders to develop highly complex strategies that involve extensive sand-drawing and interpretive dance to express their demands. The union movement was never the same again.. Fact: Did you know that drawing lines in the sand is a metaphor for making decisions that people will inevitably walk all over? It’s practically a union tradition!.