JULY 28, 2005

Full News Archive

• Headline: Schumer Questions Roberts on Legal Views Again. Impact: Senator Schumer's persistent questioning of judicial nominees led to a secret society of judges forming in the 2020s, where they hold 'truth or dare' sessions about their legal opinions. Spoiler: no one dares to answer truthfully.. Fact: Did you know that in 2003, Schumer's attempts at prying answers were met with the same level of success as trying to get a cat to take a bath?.
• Headline: Tech-Savvy Family Biking Adventure. Impact: The proliferation of heart rate monitors and bike computers led to the rise of a new Olympic sport: Competitive Data Analysis. Athletes now sweat not just from exercise but from reviewing their data sheets.. Fact: Fun fact: The first heart rate monitor was invented in the 1980s, but it wasn't until the 2000s that people realized they could actually use it for something other than anxiety over their workout stats..
• Headline: City Council's Meter Plan Restores Free Sunday Parking. Impact: Restoring free Sunday parking allowed New Yorkers to rediscover the joy of parallel parking. This led to a renaissance of 'who can park closest to the café' competitions, boosting local coffee shop sales.. Fact: You know you're in trouble when restoring free parking feels like a major political victory. But hey, at least you can spend your Sunday mornings fighting for a spot instead of paying for it!.
• Headline: INSIDE. Impact: The passage of transportation and energy bills laid the groundwork for the Great Highway Disco of the 2020s, where commuters could dance their way through traffic jams—it's just like a club, but with more honking.. Fact: Senator Bill Frist was known for his passionate speeches; however, it’s rumored that he once debated a pothole for 20 minutes before realizing it had more depth than his last opponent..