JULY 12, 2005

Full News Archive

• Headline: Auschwitz Survivor's Story Comes Alive. Impact: The review of Primo Levi's memoir sparks a resurgence of interest in Holocaust narratives, leading to a future where history classes are mandated to include survivor stories—thus ensuring that the phrase 'Never forget' becomes as ubiquitous as 'Can I take your order?'. Fact: Primo Levi's experience in Auschwitz was so intense that he wrote about it with a clarity that makes you wish reality had a more user-friendly manual..
• Headline: Lincoln Center Festival Marketing Campaign. Impact: Lincoln Center's aggressive marketing leads to an arts renaissance, inspiring everyone from aspiring opera singers to avant-garde interpretive dancers to flood the streets, inevitably leading to a future where everyone has an opinion on what 'art' really is—spoiler: it’s subjective.. Fact: The enthusiasm for the Lincoln Center Festival might have peaked when someone tried to convince a pigeon to join an avant-garde performance; the pigeon, however, remained unimpressed..
• Headline: Evangelicals Are a Growing Force in the Military Chaplain Corps. Impact: The rise of evangelical influence in the military chaplaincy alters the spiritual landscape of the armed forces, eventually leading to a future where battles are not just fought with weapons but also with Bible verses, and where soldiers have to attend mandatory 'Spiritual Fitness' sessions instead of just boot camp.. Fact: The idea of a 'Spiritual Fitness Conference' sounds great until you realize it's just an elaborate way to get people to listen to motivational speeches while drinking lukewarm coffee..
• Headline: AT WHITE HOUSE, A DAY OF SILENCE ON ROLE OF ROVE. Impact: The silence surrounding Karl Rove's involvement becomes a case study in political misdirection, leading future politicians to master the art of deflection—resulting in press conferences where the only thing less transparent than the answers is the podium itself.. Fact: In the world of politics, silence can be more deafening than a rock concert, especially when everyone is pretending they didn't just hear a very loud elephant in the room..