JULY 9, 2005

Full News Archive

• Headline: Baseball and Softball Excluded from Olympics. Impact: The removal of baseball and softball from the Olympics led to an unexpected surge in backyard leagues, where families awkwardly attempted to recreate Olympic glory without the actual glory. Who knew a little sport exclusion would lead to family feuds over who gets to be the 'designated hitter'?. Fact: Did you know that the I.O.C. has a secret room filled with all the sports they've ever dropped? It’s like a sad museum, but with less funding..
• Headline: Global Leaders Unite on Africa and Climate. Impact: In a bizarre twist of fate, the optimism expressed by these leaders led to a series of increasingly elaborate summits, culminating in an annual 'Leaders' Optimism Olympics' where they compete in who can sound the most hopeful while doing absolutely nothing.. Fact: Did you know that 'substantial progress' is just a fancy term for 'we talked a lot but didn't solve anything'? It's practically a political sport at this point..
• Headline: Heavy Toll in Afghan Fight for Navy's Proud Elite. Impact: The heavy toll on Navy SEALs during the Afghan conflict sparked a growing interest in military-themed video games, resulting in a generation of gamers who think they can handle combat because they mastered Call of Duty.. Fact: Did you know that sending a slow-moving helicopter into a hot zone is considered a 'bold strategy'? Apparently, it's like playing chess against a toddler who just discovered the queen piece..