MARCH 29, 2005

Full News Archive

• Headline: Albany's Budget Optimism Breaks a Streak. Impact: Had they failed to pass the budget, New York might have become a dystopian wasteland where pigeons rule the streets and people barter with old pizza slices instead of using currency. Thanks, optimism!. Fact: The last time they passed a budget on time, dinosaurs roamed the Earth. Just kidding, it's only been two decades, but who’s counting?.
• Headline: Railyards Development Rivalry Unveiled. Impact: The Jets' attempt to develop the railyards led to the construction of a stadium that would ultimately host more heartbreak than any relationship ever could. Welcome to New York, where dreams go to die!. Fact: The Jets offered $720 million, which is approximately the same amount they’ve spent on therapy after losing games. Priorities, right?.
• Headline: New York: A Top Walking City. Impact: New York being ranked as a top walking city prompted the creation of a new Olympic sport: 'Dodging Tourists.' It would go on to become the most popular event in the 2024 Olympics.. Fact: You know you're in a great walking city when the only thing getting more exercise than you is the rat population scurrying for crumbs!.
• Headline: Colorado Court Bars Execution Because Jurors Consulted Bible. Impact: This ruling raised questions about the influence of religious texts in jury deliberations, leading to a future where jurors consult a magic 8-ball instead. 'Ask again later' became the new legal standard.. Fact: The decision was groundbreaking, proving that sometimes, the only thing more distracting than a Bible is a 'Jurors Guide to Avoiding Distractions.'.