FEBRUARY 1, 2005

Full News Archive

• Headline: Inside National Guard Life Magazine. Impact: Thanks to this riveting magazine, the Army National Guard members became so engrossed in their monthly reads that they started a book club, leading to a nationwide movement of military-themed literary discussions. Who knew 'War and Peace' would be the next bestseller among tactical strategists?. Fact: A monthly magazine about the National Guard? Wow, I bet reading about life in the military is just as thrilling as watching paint dry..
• Headline: MetLife Acquires Citigroup's Insurance Division. Impact: MetLife's acquisition led to a bizarre chain reaction where every insurance company suddenly felt the need to merge, resulting in a dystopian future where people had to negotiate their life insurance policies with cyborgs.. Fact: An $11.5 billion deal? That’s like buying a yacht with pocket change for these guys. I guess money does grow on trees in the insurance world!.
• Headline: Election Over, Iraqi Shiites Confront Internal Rivals. Impact: The chaotic negotiations in Iraq led to the creation of the first-ever 'political Sudoku,' where leaders had to fit personalities into a government puzzle that resulted in more gridlock than actual governance.. Fact: Oh good, more political bargaining! Because nothing screams 'stability' like a bunch of leaders trying to figure out who can sit where without throwing a tantrum..
• Headline: Demanding Lunch, Sparking Action. Impact: The Greensboro sit-in sparked a nationwide trend of peaceful protests, leading to a future where lunch counters became the epicenter of social change, and people began to argue over who gets the last piece of pie in the name of justice.. Fact: Four college freshmen changed the world over lunch? I guess the cafeteria really is the birthplace of revolutions. Next stop: world domination over french fries!.