JANUARY 21, 2005

Full News Archive

• Headline: Visit to Historic Ossining, NY. Impact: If that day trip had never happened, the great Ossining tour bus industry might have never flourished, leading to a future where road trips to prisons were considered a luxury rather than a rite of passage. Who knew a little sightseeing would spark the 'Incarceration Tourism' movement?. Fact: Did you know that Sing Sing was once so overcrowded that they had to put inmates on a waiting list? That's what I call a 'prison break' – literally!.
• Headline: Bob Iger: The Future of Disney Leadership. Impact: If Bob Iger hadn't taken the reins, Disney might have devolved into a purgatory of forgotten sequels and direct-to-video flops. I mean, imagine a world without 'Frozen' – the horror!. Fact: Did you know that before Iger, Disney was almost taken over by a giant plush toy company? Imagine Mickey Mouse in a plush dinosaur costume!.
• Headline: Disputes at Every Turn of Siberia Pipeline. Impact: The disputes over the Siberia Pipeline could have sparked a global obsession with eco-friendly oil alternatives, leading to a bizarre future where everyone drives around in cars powered by recycled coffee grounds. How caffeinated!. Fact: Did you know that the Trans-Alaska Pipeline is so long that if you laid it out straight, you could stretch it from Alaska to the middle of the Gulf of Mexico? That's one epic road trip!.
• Headline: Under Revised Drug Laws, a Debt to Society Is Paid. Impact: Ivan Wright's release might have kickstarted a trend of forgiving old drug laws, leading to a future where prisons are replaced with yoga retreats for rehabilitation. Namaste, society!. Fact: Did you know that the Rockefeller drug laws were so harsh that they made 'The Hunger Games' seem like a fun day at the park? Talk about a real-life dystopia!.