JANUARY 16, 2005

Full News Archive

• Headline: New Gingrich's Influence on Health Care Reform. Impact: If New Gingrich hadn't dabbled in health care, we might be living in a world where we actually discuss medical issues in a rational manner instead of just shouting about health savings accounts at each other like it's a game of bingo.. Fact: Did you know that health savings accounts are just like regular savings accounts, but with more paperwork and fewer benefits? It's capitalism's way of giving you a warm hug while simultaneously robbing you..
• Headline: Remarkable Undefeated Season for Wake Forest. Impact: Wake Forest's basketball prowess could have led to a national sports dynasty, but instead, they just inspired a generation of couch potatoes to yell at their televisions during March Madness. Thanks, Wake Forest!. Fact: Did you know that the average person gets more exercise yelling at a basketball game than most players do? That's right, 10 minutes of shouting counts as cardio!.
• Headline: America's Challenges in a Post-9/11 World. Impact: Roger Cohen's article might have inspired future presidents to try and change their legacies by focusing on terrorism, which ultimately led to a never-ending cycle of conflict and a surplus of action movie plots. Guess we owe him a thank you?. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'war on terror' has been used so often that it’s practically a brand at this point? Coming soon: Terror Wars: The Musical!.
• Headline: The Line Between Mettle and Martyrdom. Impact: By highlighting the dedication of women in the workforce despite personal struggles, this column may have inadvertently inspired countless memes about 'boss ladies' while simultaneously ignoring the need for better workplace policies. Bravo!. Fact: Did you know that working while sick is basically a rite of passage for many professionals? It's like a badge of honor, just without the honor or the badge..
• Headline: Social Security Agency Is Enlisted to Push Its Own Revision. Impact: Bush's enlistment of the Social Security Agency might have opened the floodgates for government agencies to start marketing their own agendas, creating a bizarre future where DMV workers try to sell you on the benefits of public transportation.. Fact: Did you know that trying to convince the public about Social Security is like trying to sell ice to a polar bear? It's a tough sell, and nobody's really buying it!.