NOVEMBER 23, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Symphony Musicians Face Salary Cuts. Impact: As musicians' salaries dwindled, orchestras turned to experimental music. This led to a brief revival of the kazoo as a serious instrument, causing a global kazoo shortage in 2025. The world would never be the same again.. Fact: Did you know that orchestras have more drama than most reality TV shows? Just wait until you see the feud over the last donut in the break room..
• Headline: Vote Security Challenges in Iraq. Impact: The lack of security led to a movement where citizens took voting into their own hands, ultimately resulting in a bizarre trend where ballot boxes were guarded by cats. Surprisingly, this increased voter turnout in 2024.. Fact: Did you know that in 2005, Iraqis dipped their fingers in indelible ink to show they voted? Just think of the potential for a new fashion trend—'Ink-Stained Chic.'.
• Headline: Tight Race for a Senate Seat Refuses to Loosen. Impact: The ongoing tight race inspired a new genre of political thrillers where candidates battle it out with increasingly ridiculous campaign tactics, including pillow fights and interpretive dance-offs.. Fact: Did you know that in politics, 'too close to call' is basically code for 'I’m going to need a miracle and a lot of coffee to get through this election season?'.
• Headline: Americans Show Clear Concerns on Bush Agenda. Impact: The ambivalence about Bush’s agenda led to a nationwide trend of people choosing to ignore politics altogether, resulting in an entire generation believing that ‘politics’ was just a brand of artisanal cheese.. Fact: Did you know that 'ambivalence' is just a fancy way of saying ‘I have no idea what’s happening, but I’m too tired to care?’.