OCTOBER 27, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Explosives Controversy in Iraq Campaigns. Impact: If only John Kerry had brought a magic eight ball to predict the future, perhaps the political landscape would have shifted dramatically. Instead, the fallout from this explosive debate led to a series of increasingly absurd political blunders, culminating in the invention of the 'Oops, we did it again' press conference format.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more explosive than the missing weapons was the rhetoric surrounding them? Politicians really know how to spice up a dull debate, don't they?.
• Headline: New Voter Registration Impacts Elections. Impact: The surge in new voters changed the electoral game forever, leading to the invention of voter prediction algorithms that are about as accurate as a weather forecast. This newfound unpredictability encouraged politicians to start pandering to imaginary friends for votes.. Fact: Fun fact: If you put all the newly registered voters in a room, they'd still have a better chance of agreeing on a pizza topping than on a political candidate!.
• Headline: American Ballet Theater Trims Costs, Trying to Keep the Cuts Offstage. Impact: The American Ballet Theater's financial woes set off a chain reaction in the arts world, leading to a dramatic drop in pirouettes and an uptick in interpretive dance about budget cuts. Who knew that financial crises could turn ballet into a performance art critique?. Fact: Did you know that ballet dancers can leap through the air in defiance of gravity but can't seem to escape the grasp of an angry accountant? Talk about a twist!.
• Headline: Former Girlfriend Says Pelosi Told Her He Beat Financier to Death. Impact: This tragic event led to a series of legal dramas that echoed through the years, inspiring countless crime novels and a new sub-genre of ‘who-dun-it’ literature that people still argue over in book clubs. It’s safe to say that some stories are better left untold.. Fact: Sadly, this case reminds us that sometimes reality is far stranger than fiction. You can't make this stuff up—unless you're a tabloid writer, in which case, it's your bread and butter..