OCTOBER 26, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Election Week: Know Your Candidate's Positions. Impact: The confusion over candidate positions led to millions of voters making choices based on which candidate had the better hair. Thus began the era of hair salons doubling as polling stations, and the invention of the Hair-o-meter, a device that predicts electoral outcomes based on follicle flair.. Fact: Candidates have been known to change their stances more often than a cat changes its mind about which box to sit in. Spoiler alert: they rarely land in the box you want them to..
• Headline: U.S. Denies Geneva Rights to Captured Prisoners. Impact: This decision opened a can of worms that eventually led to debates on the definition of 'humanity'—because who knew that the Geneva Conventions could be bent like a pretzel at a carnival? Fast forward to a world where someone argues that cats captured in the wild are not entitled to pet rights.. Fact: The Geneva Conventions were created in 1949. Apparently, they didn’t have a clause for 'let’s just ignore them when it’s convenient.'.
• Headline: The Atkins Method of Acting Explored. Impact: Christian Bale's extreme weight fluctuations inspired the creation of reality shows where contestants undergo bizarre transformations—leading to a future where people try to lose weight by pretending to be in a horror movie. Spoiler: no one won an Oscar.. Fact: Actors losing weight for a role is as old as Hollywood itself. But losing it by eating only cotton balls? That’s a new level of dedication—or insanity..
• Headline: The Dorms May Be Great, but How's the Counseling?. Impact: As more students sought help, universities scrambled to create counseling programs, inadvertently giving birth to the 'emotional support dog' industry. Now, every student has a sidekick named 'Fluffy' to help them through their existential crises.. Fact: College is the only place where you can feel both stressed and liberated simultaneously. It's like being stuck in a paradox wrapped in a midterm exam..
• Headline: Jets Get New Building Block From the Patriots, a Loss. Impact: The Jets' loss prompted a series of motivational speeches that were so bad they led to the invention of 'Positive Thinking' coaches. This trend eventually spiraled into an annual convention where people paid to hear how losing can still be winning—like losing weight while eating cake.. Fact: Losing to the Patriots is basically a rite of passage for the Jets. If they ever win, it might cause a rift in the space-time continuum!.