OCTOBER 9, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Job Growth Stalls Before Elections. Impact: The sluggish job growth led to a nationwide existential crisis about work-life balance, inspiring the rise of the 'couch potato' movement. Many people decided that if they couldn't find fulfilling jobs, they'd at least find fulfilling snacks on their couches.. Fact: The number of people who stopped looking for work is so high that it could have formed its own country. It would have been called 'Procrastinatia'—famous for its lack of productivity and abundance of Netflix..
• Headline: Wangari Maathai Receives Nobel Peace Prize. Impact: Dr. Wangari Maathai's efforts sparked a global tree-planting craze, which eventually led to an overabundance of hipster coffee shops that proudly serve organic, fair-trade, single-origin coffee from trees planted by her initiative. It's like a tree-hugging arms race!. Fact: Before winning the Nobel Peace Prize, Dr. Maathai was once voted 'Most Likely to Save the Planet' by her high school class. The only thing standing in her way was a lack of trees… oh wait, she solved that!.
• Headline: Voting Machine Management in NYC. Impact: The meticulous maintenance of voting machines in NYC prevented a catastrophic breakdown that could have led to a city-wide 'vote with your feet' movement—where citizens would simply walk to their polling places and shout their votes instead.. Fact: If you laid out all 7,291 voting machines end to end, they would stretch longer than your patience while waiting in line to vote. Just imagine the voting machine parade—float that idea, New York!.
• Headline: In Court, Evidence Suggests Gotti Associates Buried Victims in Lot. Impact: The discovery of buried victims in Brooklyn led to an increase in 'How to Become a Better Criminal' workshops, ironically teaching aspiring criminals how to cover their tracks—because who wouldn’t want to learn from the best?. Fact: John Gotti's associates must have missed the memo that burying bodies in vacant lots isn't exactly a foolproof plan. Maybe they were just trying to start a new trend in urban gardening?.