OCTOBER 4, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Disney's New Manhattan Store Experience. Impact: This attempt to bring Disneyland to Manhattan opened the floodgates for every corporation to think they could recreate magic, resulting in a future where all cities exist as theme parks, complete with overpriced hot dogs and people in mascot costumes. Fact: Fun fact: the only thing more magical than Disney is realizing how much money you just spent on a plastic Mickey Mouse ear. Seriously, they're practically a second mortgage.
• Headline: Supreme Court Tackles Criminal Sentencing Issues. Impact: The Supreme Court's decision on sentencing could have led to a new era of fair justice, or perhaps just a world where lawyers have to get creative with their arguments like they're auditioning for a reality show. Fact: Did you know that the Supreme Court Justices once considered a reality TV show called 'Justices Gone Wild'? It was scrapped after they realized robes don't translate well to ratings.
• Headline: Take 1,283 Gourmet Winners. Add Folksiness. Hold Glitter.. Impact: The Gourmet Cookbook's release may have inadvertently caused a baking revolution, where every kitchen became a battleground for culinary prowess, and people began to believe that if they couldn't make a soufflé, they were failures in life. Fact: Did you know that this cookbook is so heavy it could double as a doorstop? Just make sure it doesn’t crush your dreams while holding the door open.
• Headline: As Deadlines Hit, Rolls of Voters Show Big Surge. Impact: The surge in voter registrations could have shifted political power dynamics, leading to a future where everyone is required to vote, and failing to do so results in mandatory participation in a reality TV show about civic duties. Fact: Did you know that in some states, registering to vote is easier than getting a reservation at a trendy restaurant? And yet, here we are, still waiting for a table at democracy.