SEPTEMBER 3, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Nuns' Recruitment: A Global Solution. Impact: If only those nuns had recruited from the tech world instead! Imagine a convent running on app development; they'd have reversed their decline by turning into a Silicon Valley-style startup. Instead, we're left with more holy water than holy Wi-Fi.. Fact: Nuns used to be the OG influencers—before TikTok, they were the ones influencing fashion with their habits. Who knew the habit would go out of style before skinny jeans?.
• Headline: New York Releases Mass Detainees. Impact: Releasing those detainees kickstarted a chain reaction of protests that eventually led to everyone's favorite pastime: tweeting about how outraged we are while sipping artisanal coffee at our favorite café. The revolution will be Instagrammed!. Fact: The act of being detained without seeing a judge is basically a modern-day version of being sent to your room without dessert. But instead of a timeout, they got a court order. How thrilling!.
• Headline: Malaysia's Exports See Significant Growth. Impact: Malaysia’s export surge meant they could invest in the next big thing—robotic palm oil harvesters. Little did they know, these robots would eventually take over the world, leading to a future where we negotiate with sentient fruit-picking machines.. Fact: In a world where everyone is trading in billion-ringgit, the real winner is that guy who invented the ringgit. Bet he’s sitting on a beach somewhere, sipping a drink with a little umbrella in it!.
• Headline: Coffee, Tea or Job? For Airline Workers, an Uncertain Future. Impact: The airline industry’s struggles gave birth to a new genre of reality TV: 'America's Next Top Flight Attendant.' As they compete for jobs, we discover that a smile and a safety briefing are more valuable than a degree.. Fact: Did you know that in the airline industry, 'attractive jobs' are just a euphemism for free snacks and a chance to take selfies next to the emergency exit? Welcome to the glamorous life of flying!.
• Headline: The Teenage Crush on Wet Seal Stores Is So Over. Impact: The decline of Wet Seal's popularity led to a resurgence in thrift stores, where hipsters now dig through racks of 'vintage' clothing that was once considered trendy. Who knew nostalgia could save the day?. Fact: Wet Seal was like the cool kid in high school—everyone loved it until it suddenly became unfashionable. Now, it’s just another relic of the past, like MySpace and your high school diary..