AUGUST 25, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: United Airlines' Aid Denial Insights Revealed. Impact: Had United Airlines received the aid, they might have become the first airline to launch a fleet of flying luxury hotels, completely changing air travel and probably resulting in a global pandemic of in-flight selfies.. Fact: If only United had asked for a $1.6 billion GoFundMe instead. Who knew the airline industry was just one viral campaign away from salvation?.
• Headline: Massive Security for Republican Convention. Impact: The massive security deployment at the convention inadvertently inspired a new trend in event planning, where hosts began hiring SWAT teams for everything from birthday parties to book clubs, because who doesn’t want to feel like a VIP?. Fact: Remember when conventions were about ideas and not about who had the coolest security detail? Good times..
• Headline: After Success in Theaters, Pitching 'The Passion' DVD to Faithful Flocks. Impact: The success of 'The Passion' DVD led to pastors developing a whole new side hustle in religious film distribution, paving the way for an explosion of faith-based cinema that will haunt us for decades.. Fact: Apparently, a DVD is now considered a modern-day holy relic. Just ask your local pastor—he'll sell you one for a 'donation'..
• Headline: VETERANS' GROUP HAD G.O.P. LAWYER. Impact: The involvement of a G.O.P. lawyer with the Swift Boat Veterans set a precedent for using veterans in political campaigns, which later evolved into a bizarre reality show concept: 'Veterans vs. Politicians: Who's Right?'. Fact: In politics, if you can’t debate the issues, just hire a veteran to do the talking for you. It’s the new ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card in political chess..