JULY 30, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: 9/11 Aid Boosts JFK Rail Link Project. Impact: This decision led to a cosmic chain reaction that not only connected New Jersey to New York via rail but also inspired NJ Transit to consider a train that doesn’t run late. Somewhere in an alternate universe, they succeeded, and we’re all riding hoverboards now.. Fact: Did you know that spending disaster relief funds on a rail link is like using your emergency savings to buy a fancy coffee machine? Sure, it’s nice, but your house is still on fire..
• Headline: Kerry's Strength at the DNC Convention. Impact: John Kerry's attempt to showcase strength led to a nationwide obsession with politicians flexing their muscles—literally. Fast forward to today, and we have candidates doing push-ups on stage instead of presenting policies.. Fact: Did you know that portraying strength in politics can be a double-edged sword? Just ask the guy who thought showing up in a tank would be a great idea..
• Headline: Diversity at the Democratic Convention in Boston. Impact: The stark divide among delegates set a precedent for every political convention thereafter—making it the ultimate networking event for the rich and famous. Today, we have exclusive after-parties where selfies with senators are the new currency.. Fact: Did you know that political conventions are just like family reunions, but instead of awkward questions about your job, you get awkward questions about your stance on healthcare?.
• Headline: THE CONVENTION IN BOSTON: APPLE'S ALMANAC; With 20 Electoral Votes Up for Grabs, Ohio Gets Its Dessert First. Impact: Ohio’s sweet electoral power has led to an endless cycle of candidates pandering to the state, resulting in an inflation of deep-fried fair food and a permanent state of indecision about everything from corn to kale.. Fact: Did you know that Ohio is often called the 'swing state'? It’s like the indecisive friend in a group who can’t choose where to eat, but somehow ends up being the most important in the decision-making process..
• Headline: Floor Trades vs. Fast Trades on Big Board. Impact: John Thain’s radical plan initiated the rise of high-frequency trading, which eventually turned the stock market into a chaotic video game where the only winners are the ones with the fastest internet and the coolest gamer tags.. Fact: Did you know that trading stocks electronically is like playing chess while riding a rollercoaster? It’s thrilling, unpredictable, and usually ends with someone losing their lunch..