JULY 9, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Community Shocked by Rigas Verdict. Impact: If only the Rigases had been better at hiding their financial skeletons, we might have avoided a whole generation of accountants developing trust issues. Thanks, guys, for the trust fund drama!. Fact: Did you know that the guilty verdicts led to a spike in the popularity of reality shows about financial fraud? Because nothing says 'family values' like watching people get caught for their questionable decisions!.
• Headline: International Counselors Transform Summer Camp. Impact: The outsourcing of camp counselors caused a butterfly effect that eventually led to a global shortage of marshmallows and s'mores. Who knew international diplomacy could hinge on the perfect campfire treat?. Fact: Did you know that half the camp counselors now have accents so thick that even the campfire songs sound like Shakespearean plays? Campers are now required to bring a translator for their campfire chats!.
• Headline: They All Vanished, Now They're Back. Impact: The return of 'The 4400' sparked a new wave of conspiracy theories about time travel and alien abductions, ultimately leading to a resurgence in tinfoil hat fashion. Thanks for making the world weirder!. Fact: Did you know that 'The 4400' is based on the premise that missing people return? That's like if your lost socks came back but only to argue about where they went. Magical realism at its finest!.
• Headline: Lawn-Care Crunch. Impact: The lawn-care crunch turned suburban America into a battleground for who can maintain a greener lawn without going bankrupt. Rumor has it, a secret society of homeowners now trades lawn tips like they're state secrets.. Fact: Did you know that high gasoline prices have made lawn mowing a competitive sport? Next up: the Lawn Mower Olympics, where the only thing more inflated than the prices are the egos of the competitors!.