JUNE 20, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Media Coverage of Reagan's Funeral. Impact: O.J.'s connection to Reagan's passing prompted a bizarre timeline where celebrity funerals became the new Super Bowl, leading to a future in which people mourn with nachos and beer.. Fact: In a shocking twist, this event also led to a surge in 'celebrity death pools' among bored office workers, because apparently, that's what we do now..
• Headline: Tragic Deaths in Cosmetic Surgery Shocks NYC. Impact: The tragic deaths shifted the landscape of cosmetic surgery, causing a butterfly effect that resulted in a 5% increase in people opting for 'natural beauty' filters on social media.. Fact: It's said that Olivia Goldsmith's last words were, 'I just want to look like a younger version of myself,' which is ironically what everyone says before they go under the knife..
• Headline: Of, by and for the Fancy People. Impact: The rise of coffee-table books for the elite created a new subculture of 'pretentious coffee', leading to the eventual invention of a $100 coffee bean that only grows in the backyard of a billionaire.. Fact: These coffee-table books are so heavy that they double as workout equipment for the literate upper class. Who knew reading could build biceps?.
• Headline: No Use Crying Over Spilled Billions. Impact: The scandal of spilled billions led to the establishment of a new industry dedicated to 'financial recovery therapy,' where people learned to cope with their losses through yoga and meditation.. Fact: Ironically, the only thing people felt less bad about after therapy was admitting they never really understood how to balance a checkbook in the first place..