MAY 12, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Celebrating Brooklyn's Famous Figures. Impact: This path of glory inspired future generations to create paths of mediocrity—essentially, every neighborhood sidewalk became a potential candidate for a 'celebrity' honor, leading to an influx of plaques for local cats.. Fact: Did you know that Brooklynites have so many famous folks that they practically need a GPS to find all the memorial stones? Next up, a path dedicated to the pigeons of Brooklyn!.
• Headline: Kidd Leads Nets to Crucial Playoff Victory. Impact: Kidd's scoring touch was the spark that ignited a series of mediocre basketball seasons, ultimately leading to a resurgence of interest in knitting as a more peaceful pastime among fans.. Fact: Did you know 'tying the series' used to be a term for when you couldn’t decide whether to watch the game or take a nap? Now it’s just a basketball thing!.
• Headline: Europe's Economic Recovery Concerningly Slow. Impact: The report about Europe's recovery lagging set off a chain reaction that ultimately led to the invention of the 'Eurocrisis Bingo' game, where players check off economic terms while pretending to understand what's happening.. Fact: Did you know that economists are basically the magicians of our time? They can make money disappear and predict the future—all while wearing a suit!.
• Headline: Cisco Profit For Quarter Slightly Beats Estimates. Impact: Cisco's slightly beating estimates led to a wave of overconfidence among tech companies, resulting in the infamous 'Tech Bubble 2.0' where everyone thought their app idea was the next big thing—spoiler alert: it wasn't.. Fact: Did you know that 'slightly beating estimates' is corporate speak for 'we're still not making enough money to buy our own island'? Stay tuned for the next quarterly report!.