MAY 3, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: NYCB Honors Its Esteemed Alumni. Impact: If the City Ballet hadn't celebrated its alumni, who knows? Maybe ballet would have gone extinct, replaced by interpretive dance in grocery store aisles. Thanks, nostalgia!. Fact: Did you know that ballet dancers aren’t just athletes, they’re also excellent at looking graceful while being in excruciating pain? Truly a talent!.
• Headline: Conductor's Decline and Its Impact. Impact: James Levine’s decline may have led to an unexpected surge in karaoke night popularity. Who knew that less-than-stellar orchestras would launch a billion off-key renditions of 'Bohemian Rhapsody'?. Fact: Did you know that conducting is just like herding cats? Except the cats are dressed in tuxedos and pretend they can read music!.
• Headline: Decline of U.S. Scientific Leadership. Impact: The U.S. losing its science edge might have led to a future where everyone believes in crystal healing and essential oils instead of vaccines. Thanks, globalization!. Fact: Did you know that while America was busy Googling cat videos, other countries were busy Googling how to cure diseases? Talk about priorities!.
• Headline: BUSINESS DIGEST. Impact: The appointment of new directors at Safeway could have sparked a nationwide chain reaction, leading to the rise of independent directors in all fields, including your local taco truck. Who knew tacos could be so well-managed?. Fact: Did you know that 'independent directors' is just a fancy term for people who have no idea what they’re doing but have great resumes?.
• Headline: Turning an Eye From Whimsy to War; The Colombian Artist Fernando Botero Captures the Agony and Absurdity of a Drug-Fueled Conflict. Impact: Fernando Botero’s shift from whimsy to serious art may have sparked a global trend of artists suddenly getting deep and existential in coffee shops everywhere. Next stop: angst-ridden latte art!. Fact: Did you know Botero’s paintings are so distinctive that if you squint too hard, you might mistake them for a collection of very well-fed people?.