MARCH 29, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Jesus Returns in Best-Selling Series Finale. Impact: If only Tim LaHaye had written a sequel about 'Jesus Goes to Space,' we might have a thriving intergalactic religion by now. Instead, we're left with 'Left Behind.'. Fact: Did you know that the original 'Left Behind' series was originally titled 'Left On a Plane' but was changed when LaHaye realized that flying was a thing?.
• Headline: Double Bass Concerto Premiere in New York. Impact: Edgar Meyer’s concerto encouraged the trend of double bassists becoming rock stars, leading to a world where bass players are now worshipped like deities. Who would have thought?. Fact: Fun fact: Double bassists have a secret handshake that involves a lot of bending and stooping, which explains why they’re always late to rehearsal!.
• Headline: BUSINESS DIGEST. Impact: This study ignited the 'Regulate Everything' movement, which eventually led to a federal regulation on regulating regulations. Because why not complicate things further?. Fact: Did you know that insurance companies are the only businesses where you pay for the privilege of potentially getting something back? What a deal!.
• Headline: Where Root, Root, Root Is Taken Very Seriously. Impact: The Hanshin Tigers’ dedication to their team led to the rise of fanatical sports fandoms worldwide, culminating in the great ‘Fan Olympics’ of 2045, where shouting is an official sport.. Fact: Fun fact: The Hanshin Tigers once had a fan so dedicated that they had their entire living room decorated in team colors. The neighbors are still recovering..