MARCH 9, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: H.M.O.s Re-enter Medicare Market. Impact: The return of H.M.O.s to Medicare was like a time bomb. It led to a series of healthcare debates that ultimately made Americans experts at Googling their symptoms instead of visiting doctors. Who knew that a few extra bucks could fuel a national obsession with health insurance confusion?. Fact: Did you know that the only thing more complicated than Medicare is trying to explain it to your grandparents? Good luck with that!.
• Headline: European Aeronautics Reports Profitable Quarter. Impact: The profit for European Aeronautics was like a butterfly flapping its wings, causing a flurry of investment in tech that eventually led to the rise of the drones that now invade our privacy. Thanks, EADS, for the future of unsolicited surveillance!. Fact: Did you know that if you combine 'aeronautics' and 'profit,' you get a recipe for overpriced airplane snacks? You're welcome!.
• Headline: Tragic Shooting at Masonic Lodge Ceremony. Impact: The tragic shooting during a Masonic initiation ceremony might have inadvertently led to stricter safety protocols in secret societies. Who knew that the Freemasons would have to add 'no firearms' to their list of rules?. Fact: Did you know that Masonic lodges are meant to be places of brotherhood and enlightenment? Apparently, they forgot the part about 'no accidental shootings' in their secret handbook..
• Headline: As Stewart Attends Hearing, Company Studies Options. Impact: Martha Stewart's court saga brought the world of culinary arts and criminality together, inspiring countless TV shows featuring cooking in prison. Forget jailhouse rock; it's all about jailhouse cook!. Fact: Did you know that Martha Stewart could probably make a five-star meal out of prison rations? Too bad they don't allow her to bring her own spices!.