FEBRUARY 28, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Stewart's Securities Fraud Charge Dismissed. Impact: Martha Stewart not being convicted led to her becoming a household name, creating a reality TV empire and inspiring countless future entrepreneurs to sell overpriced kitchen gadgets while pretending to cook gourmet meals. Who knew a dismissed charge could lead to a flourishing plastic-surgery-enhanced lifestyle brand?. Fact: Did you know Martha Stewart's recipe for success includes one part insider trading and two parts charismatic charm? Sprinkle with a dash of controversy for flavor!.
• Headline: Rebels Approach Port-au-Prince Threatening Stability. Impact: The panic of rebels nearing Port-au-Prince set off a chain reaction that led to a series of diplomatic talks, which ultimately resulted in more bureaucracy and less actual resolution. Ah, the sweet smell of political indecisiveness wafting through the air!. Fact: Did you know that the Pentagon's plans for intervention often include a 'How to Make Friends and Influence Others' manual? It's very effective... at making things worse..
• Headline: INSIDE. Impact: The vague progress in nuclear talks with North Korea led to decades of diplomatic tap dancing, resulting in the classic 'let's pretend we can work this out' routine that remains a staple in international relations. It's like the world's longest awkward silence.. Fact: Did you know that when diplomats say 'we're making progress', they really mean ‘we're just really good at talking without saying anything’? It's a special skill..