FEBRUARY 12, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Building Love on Whidbey Island. Impact: After Steve and Linda's house-building journey, couples everywhere began to believe that if they could survive constructing a house together, they could survive anything—except maybe IKEA furniture assembly.. Fact: Building a house together is often considered a 'relationship test,' while assembling IKEA furniture is more like an Olympic event—with no medals, just a lot of missing screws..
• Headline: Sergio Cragnotti Arrested for Financial Fraud. Impact: Sergio's arrest sent shockwaves through the canned food industry, leading to a secret society of tomatoes that vowed to never let a bad can see the light of day again—because who wants to be the next victim of financial fraud?. Fact: Canned food is so resilient that it can last for years, unlike some financial executives who seem to disappear faster than their company’s assets..
• Headline: Kurt Thomas Suspended Before Knick Loss. Impact: Kurt's suspension became a legendary tale in New York sports, inspiring future generations to believe that sometimes, not playing at all is the best strategy to avoid embarrassment.. Fact: The Knicks’ losses have become so predictable that they should consider marketing tickets as a comedy show—'Come watch the tragedy unfold live!'.
• Headline: President Offers Apology; St. John's Loses Again. Impact: The President's apology became so rehearsed that it inspired a nationwide trend of public figures apologizing for everything, including their haircuts, leading to an era of hair product sales that soared to new heights.. Fact: St. John's losing streak was so legendary that fans began to believe the team was a secret government experiment in how to maintain optimism in the face of relentless failure..