JANUARY 26, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Disputed Kosovo Article Sources Revealed. Impact: If this dispute had not happened, perhaps the world would still be blissfully unaware of the actual events in Kosovo, leading to a future where students in history class would be taught that unicorns were responsible for ethnic cleansing. Talk about a plot twist!. Fact: Did you know that journalists sometimes have to deal with sources who have wildly different memories? It's almost like they expect people to be consistent or something!.
• Headline: With the Race Changing Fast, Clark Adjusts. Impact: If Clark had convinced voters earlier, we might have seen a completely different Democratic candidate in the 2004 election, potentially creating a timeline where America was led by someone named 'Wesley'. Good luck, history!. Fact: Did you know that political campaigns are just like reality TV shows? Lots of drama, unexpected plot twists, and contestants who might as well be auditioning for their next role!.
• Headline: Plenty of Pastiche and Pizazz, but, Sorry, No Popcorn. Impact: Had the audience been allowed popcorn, it’s possible that the ballet would have become a blockbuster hit, leading to a future where dance companies branched out into popcorn-flavored performance art. Deliciously absurd!. Fact: Did you know that New York City Ballet dancers burn more calories than marathon runners? So, if you see one at the snack bar, they’ve probably just come off stage and are preparing for the next act of extreme calorie-burning!.