JANUARY 12, 2004

Full News Archive

• Headline: Guerrero Signs with Angels Over Mets. Impact: Had Guerrero chosen the Mets, he would have led them to a surprise World Series victory, leading to a domino effect where the team’s success sparked a New York renaissance—pizza shops would have replaced coffee shops, and everyone would have been blissfully unaware of their cholesterol levels. Fact: The Mets' motto, 'There's always next year,' was originally coined in 1962 and has become a well-practiced form of self-soothing for their fans.
• Headline: Dvořák's Influence in New Jersey's Winter Festival. Impact: This concert inspired a group of time-traveling musicians to form a band that only plays in historical events. They inadvertently influenced Beethoven to write his famous Fifth Symphony on a whim during a break at a coffee shop in Vienna—history could have been a lot more danceable. Fact: Dvorak was actually a huge fan of jazz, which is ironic considering he never lived to see it evolve. Imagine if he had—he might have been a jazz saxophonist instead of a composer!.
• Headline: Favre Gives Eagles Pass Back to N.F.C. Title Game. Impact: Favre's unexpected generosity led to a bizarre chain reaction where every other athlete started passing their roles to the next best player, resulting in an entire generation of confused sports fans who were just waiting for the real quarterback to show up at the Super Bowl. Fact: The Eagles' victory was so close that even the referees were sweating bullets—a rare occurrence for a game that usually just sweeps their mistakes under the rug.