OCTOBER 17, 2003

Full News Archive

• Headline: Insights Into Pieces of April Review. Impact: If only Elvis had reviewed a movie about time travel instead, perhaps we'd all be living in a utopia where every film is a masterpiece. But alas, his critique of 'Pieces of April' just led to more mediocre holiday films. Thanks, Elvis!. Fact: Katie Holmes starred in this film, which was a big leap from her days as a high school cheerleader. Who knew she had it in her to play a character struggling to make a Thanksgiving dinner work?.
• Headline: Woody Allen Seeks Memoir Deal. Impact: Woody Allen's memoir, if published as a pop-up book, could have revolutionized the publishing industry. Instead, it just reminded everyone why they shouldn't be surprised when artists are a little... off. Thanks, Woody!. Fact: Reportedly, the most sought-after advance in publishing history was once offered for a cat's diary. Maybe Woody should've considered a different angle..
• Headline: Iraqi Depot: An Arms Storage Crisis. Impact: The unguarded missiles in Iraq would later inspire a new genre of reality TV: 'Survivor: Ammo Edition'. Unfortunately, the contestants were never informed about the actual danger. Who needs safety when you can have drama?. Fact: This incident highlighted the shocking trend of 'misplaced military supplies'—a phenomenon that would later lead to the creation of the world's most chaotic scavenger hunts..
• Headline: World Business Briefing | Europe: Germany: Bank Chief Named. Impact: The naming of a new bank chief would eventually result in a power struggle that could rival any soap opera. Spoiler alert: it ended poorly, and the viewers were left wondering why they bothered tuning in.. Fact: WestLB's choice was so controversial that it inspired a reality show called 'Banking Blunders', where contestants pitched their wildest ideas for managing a bank. Spoiler: none involved actual banking..
• Headline: Can Exchanges Regulate Themselves as Rivalry Grows?. Impact: The self-regulation of stock exchanges led to a series of events that could only be described as a financial game of hot potato, where everyone was too busy tossing the problem around to notice the impending crisis.. Fact: Historically, stock exchanges have been about as effective at self-regulation as a toddler at a cookie jar. Spoiler: they both end up with crumbs everywhere..