OCTOBER 5, 2003

Full News Archive

• Headline: Centennial Tribute to Piano Legends. Impact: This debate over piano titans led to a secret society forming among piano movers who now conspire to control the price of concert tickets. Who knew pianos were the real currency of the future?. Fact: Did you know that Rudolf Serkin once played a piano piece so beautifully that a nearby cat spontaneously learned to play Mozart? True story. Well, at least it could have been..
• Headline: Exploring the 2004 Porsche Cayenne Models. Impact: The introduction of the Porsche Cayenne Turbo ignited a midlife crisis epidemic where men everywhere began wearing leather jackets and thinking they were suddenly James Bond. Spoiler: They aren’t.. Fact: Did you know that buying a Porsche Cayenne is basically just a fancy way of saying, 'I’m having a crisis and I need to compensate?'.
• Headline: Lopsided 401(k)'s, All Too Common. Impact: The lopsided 401(k) situation created a new genre of motivational speakers who now use the phrase 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket' as a catchphrase. Too bad they didn’t say it sooner!. Fact: Did you know that Enron employees now have a secret handshake that involves crying over lost retirement funds? It’s a real heartbreaker..
• Headline: The World: Three Wars Over Iraq; Staying the Course May Be the Hardest Battle. Impact: The discussion around the Iraq wars led to an underground movement of conspiracy theorists who believe that the only solution is to send in more cats. Yes, cats. Because obviously, they’ll do a better job than politicians.. Fact: Did you know that if you say 'Iraq' three times in front of a mirror, a politician appears to give you a convoluted answer? It’s the same logic as the Bloody Mary story, just with way more bureaucracy..