SEPTEMBER 20, 2003

Full News Archive

• Headline: NYC's Innovative Post-Jail Program. Impact: This post-jail plan might just be the first step towards a future where ex-inmates become the CEOs of Fortune 500 companies, thus sparking a revolution in corporate ethics. Who knew the path to saving the world began with a good job placement program?. Fact: The 'revolving door' of jail and release might just be the most lucrative business model in America. Who needs a job when you can have a career in criminal justice?.
• Headline: Galvin Steps Down as Motorola Chief Executive. Impact: Galvin's retirement likely sent shockwaves through the tech industry, leading to a series of events that resulted in smartphones being used primarily for taking selfies instead of making calls. Thanks, Motorola!. Fact: Motorola was once the king of the mobile world. Now, they make phones that people forget they own. Progress!.
• Headline: Hurricane Isabel's Devastating Aftermath. Impact: The devastation caused by Hurricane Isabel inspired a generation of DIY home improvement shows, which inadvertently led to the rise of influencers who think they can build anything with just a YouTube tutorial.. Fact: Did you know that after every major hurricane, there's a spike in sales for both chainsaws and bottled water? It's like a bizarre gift registry for disaster preparedness..
• Headline: Sports of The Times; Example of Patience by Absent England. Impact: The absence of the England national women's team from the Women's World Cup may have inadvertently sparked a global movement for female empowerment in sports, leading to a future where women's sports finally get the recognition they deserve. Slow clap, England.. Fact: The only place where women’s sports get equal airtime is in the 'highly recommended' section of the internet. Spoiler: that section is mostly empty..