SEPTEMBER 7, 2003

Full News Archive

• Headline: Pleasantville Apartments Opening for Seniors. Impact: The establishment of the Pleasantville Apartments for seniors led to the rise of the 'Golden Years Club,' where knitting circles turned into secret societies plotting to overthrow local bingo games. Who knew bingo could be so riveting?. Fact: Did you know that the average age of a bingo player is often older than the average lifespan of a houseplant? Just saying..
• Headline: Roddick Triumphs to Reach US Open Final. Impact: Andy Roddick's victory over Nalbandian in this match sparked an intense rivalry that led to a new trend in tennis fashion: sweatbands that double as headbands and fashion statements. The world may never recover.. Fact: Did you know that Roddick's serve is so powerful it has been known to cause minor earthquakes? Just kidding, but wouldn’t that be a fun twist?.
• Headline: Henin-Hardenne Triumphs Over Clijsters. Impact: Justine Henin-Hardenne's win at the US Open turned her into a household name, leading to a decade-long obsession with tennis-themed birthday parties that involved far too many yellow tennis balls and questionable cake designs.. Fact: Did you know that the only thing harder than hitting a tennis ball is finding a decent cake decorator who understands the difference between 'tennis ball' yellow and 'baby vomit' yellow?.
• Headline: The World: A Bedeviled Occupation; For a Bleak Horizon, Rose-Tinted Glasses. Impact: Paul Bremer's comments made the world realize that when it comes to comparing bad situations, there's always a lower bar to limbo under. This led to the rise of 'Worst Case Scenario' parties where people compete for the most dramatic tales of woe.. Fact: Did you know that limbo competitions have less risk of injury than discussions about American politics? Just a thought..
• Headline: Bedfellows Make Politics Strange. Impact: The political tango between spouses of opposing views led to the creation of a new sport: political couples' debates, where arguments are settled with interpretive dance. Spoiler: no one ever wins.. Fact: Did you know that couples who argue over politics often have a better chance of winning at Monopoly? Just imagine the board game nights!.