JULY 26, 2003

Full News Archive

• Headline: Connecticut Budget Deal Breakthrough. Impact: This budget deal in Connecticut led to the creation of a secret society of budget analysts who now meet in underground lairs to plot the next fiscal crisis. All because someone had to cut spending on jellybean distribution!. Fact: Connecticut once had a budget surplus that was so large it actually tried to declare independence from the rest of the U.S. Just kidding, but wouldn’t that have been a fun headline?.
• Headline: Phelps Sets World Records in 2 Events. Impact: Phelps’ record-breaking swims led to a nationwide obsession with swimming pools, resulting in a major shortage of pool floats and an increase in inflatable flamingos. Good luck trying to beat that traffic on pool day!. Fact: Michael Phelps has won more Olympic gold medals than some countries have in total. If only he could swim through the political mess we have today!.
• Headline: Classified Section Of Sept. 11 Report Faults Saudi Rulers. Impact: The revelations about Saudi funding from the 9/11 report started a series of conspiracy theories that claimed the world was actually run by a cabal of wealthy camel owners. It’s all a little ridiculous, but hey, who doesn't love a good plot twist?. Fact: The 9/11 report is over 800 pages long. You could read it while waiting for your coffee, and by the time you finish, you might need an extra shot just to cope with the reality of it all..