JULY 8, 2003

Full News Archive

• Headline: Controversial Ruling on Free Speech Rights. Impact: If only Judge Sprizzo had ruled differently, who knows? Maybe the Giuliani administration would have kept their float-building skills, leading to a resurgence of float-based politics. Imagine parades filled with giant inflatable tax evaders instead of just clowns!. Fact: Fun fact: Riding on a float is considered a sport in some circles. So, if you ever get kicked off a float for bad behavior, just tell everyone you were training for the Olympic Float Games!.
• Headline: Blood Test Price-Fixing Settlement. Impact: This price-fixing scandal might have inadvertently led to the rise of underground blood-screening kit markets. You know, where hipsters brew their own diagnostics in their basements while listening to vinyl records.. Fact: Did you know that blood tests were once considered a form of witchcraft? Good thing the witches didn’t have a monopoly on that market!.
• Headline: Protecting the Highlands Wildlife Corridor. Impact: The debate over the Highlands region could have set a precedent for future land grabs. If developers had won, we might have seen skyscrapers sprouting from the backs of endangered species, all while conservationists held candlelight vigils from their luxury condos overlooking the chaos.. Fact: It’s ironic that the fight for wildlife corridors is often more intense than the fight for human rights. Maybe we should just give the animals a seat at the negotiating table?.
• Headline: Iraqis Keep Working for Allies, But Danger Makes Them Fearful. Impact: The continued work of Iraqis for American allies might have inadvertently led to a new reality TV show: 'Translators Under Fire.' Because nothing says 'entertainment' like life-threatening situations with a side of dramatic music.. Fact: Did you know that the phrase 'lost in translation' can take on a whole new meaning when snipers are involved? Makes you appreciate the art of communication, doesn’t it?.
• Headline: More Perfect Union Of Function And Form. Impact: The National Constitution Center could have inspired a trend where every city builds its own monument to bureaucracy. Imagine a giant paperclip in every town square, symbolizing the struggle to hold together the loose pages of democracy!. Fact: Fun fact: The only thing more complex than the U.S. Constitution is figuring out which bathroom to use in a public building. Good luck with that!.