JUNE 9, 2003

Full News Archive

• Headline: Senator Blocks Air Force Promotions. Impact: If Senator Craig hadn’t blocked those promotions, maybe the Air Force would have invented a new stealth plane by now. Instead, they’re probably flying around in glorified tin cans, all thanks to one man's thirst for cargo planes. Who knew Idaho needed that many flying potatoes?. Fact: Did you know that the Pentagon has more layers of bureaucracy than an onion? Crying over inefficiency is totally normal in the halls of power!.
• Headline: Hollywood Stars Shift Agencies Amid Changes. Impact: Julia Roberts’ agency switch sent shockwaves through Hollywood, causing a chain reaction of actors leaving their agencies, like a game of musical chairs but with much higher stakes and fewer chairs. This led to the rise of countless wannabe agents who now think they can broker deals for a sandwich.. Fact: Fun fact: The real reason agencies are low on tinsel is that no one wants to deal with the glitter fallout. It’s like the herpes of the crafting world!.
• Headline: Field Day Festival Takes a New Stage. Impact: The Field Day Festival’s relocation may have prevented an apocalyptic disaster in Calverton, LI. Had they stayed, the townsfolk might have risen up against the influx of music-loving outsiders, leading to a renaissance of grumpy localism.. Fact: Did you know that ponchos were originally designed as a rain-shedding superhero cape for those who couldn't decide between fashion and function? Clearly, the concept has evolved..
• Headline: Surprisingly, a Dramatic Finish. Impact: The Stanley Cup Finals turned dramatic, which means fans probably aged a decade or two in stress. This could have a butterfly effect on sports fans, leading to increased heart rates and more sales in stress-relief products. Thanks, Ducks!. Fact: Did you know that dramatic comebacks in sports are basically just a fancy way of saying ‘the other team choked’? It's all in the phrasing!.