MAY 19, 2003

Full News Archive

• Headline: Casablanca Bombings: A Tragic Turning Point. Impact: The chaos in Casablanca sparked an international game of blame and fear, leading to a decade of increased airport security, where travelers learned the hard way that removing shoes was just the beginning of their woes.. Fact: If only the bombers had taken up knitting instead, perhaps they could have crafted a peaceful blanket instead of a disastrous headline..
• Headline: Western Conference Dominance in the NBA. Impact: The Western Conference's star-studded roster made the East look like a high school team, leading to a massive influx of talent scouts in the West and a collective cry of despair from Eastern fans who just wanted a victory.. Fact: Kobe Bryant and Tim Duncan could have formed a superhero duo called 'The Dunking Knights,' but they just settled for winning championships instead..
• Headline: Slumping Yankees Crawl Off To Boston. Impact: The Yankees' slump reminded fans that even legends can have off days, creating a ripple effect of 'Yankees Suck' chants that would echo through the ages, much to the delight of rival fans everywhere.. Fact: The Yankees losing is like a solar eclipse; it happens rarely, but when it does, everyone gathers to witness the spectacle while secretly hoping for a total blackout..
• Headline: A Response More Mournful Than Enraged. Impact: Alberta Spruill's tragic death served as a wake-up call for police departments nationwide, leading to the invention of 'the latest protocol'—which is just a fancy term for 'let's not mess this up again, guys.'. Fact: Mistaken raids are so common they should come with a warning label: "Caution: May cause unexpected heart attacks and community outrage.".