MAY 1, 2003

Full News Archive

• Headline: Elan Corp Reassesses Major Drug Sale. Impact: If Elan Corp hadn't revised their asset sale, King Pharmaceuticals might have actually made a profit, leading to a chain reaction where pharmaceutical companies start valuing their assets instead of just their stock prices. Imagine a world where drug prices are affordable! Oh wait, that's just a fantasy.. Fact: Did you know that Elan Corp’s financial struggles led to a deep dive into the ethics of pharmaceutical pricing? It’s almost like when you try to sell your old video games and realize they’re worth less than your lunch money..
• Headline: Whitbread Reports Significant Profit Increase. Impact: Whitbread's profit rise could have inspired a chain of hospitality companies to start taking actual care of their customers instead of treating them like walking wallets. But alas, they probably just used the extra cash to buy better coffee for their board meetings.. Fact: Did you know that a 14% profit increase at Whitbread means they probably found out that people actually enjoy sleeping in clean sheets? Revolutionary, I know!.
• Headline: World Business Briefing | Asia: Japan: Production Slips. Impact: Japan's production slip sparked a series of economic policies that inadvertently created a booming market for productivity apps. Now, everyone’s trying to optimize their output while simultaneously stressing over their output. It’s a paradox of productivity!. Fact: Did you know that Japan's industrial output dipping by 0.2% is kind of like your friend who always claims they’re on a diet while eating cake? They’re just not fooling anyone!.