FEBRUARY 16, 2003

Full News Archive

• Headline: Reviving Design Passion at Parsons School. Impact: Little did the students know that their rejection of the American fashion industry would set off a chain reaction leading to the rise of influencers and the complete obliteration of any sense of personal style by 2023. Thanks, Josh!.. Fact: Fashion is cyclical, which means that one day, bell-bottoms will be back, and we'll all be regretting those skinny jeans..
• Headline: Revolution in NYC Public Schools Explained. Impact: This realization among affluent parents will spiral into a nationwide panic, resulting in a black market for school admission spots that eventually leads to an underground network of 'School Admission Brokers'. Because who doesn't want to live in a dystopian reality?. Fact: The irony here is that affluent parents worried about their children not getting into the best schools will only increase the competition. So much for peace of mind!.
• Headline: Iraq Strategy Is Seen as Delay and Urban Battle. Impact: The strategy to delay and engage in urban battles eventually leads to a new military doctrine that teaches troops how to throw a good old-fashioned street party instead of fighting. Who knew that turning conflict into a neighborhood festival could be so effective?. Fact: Street battles in urban areas have historically been a bad idea. Maybe they should just settle things over a game of Monopoly instead!.
• Headline: Alinghi Wins By 7 Seconds And Takes A 2-0 Lead. Impact: Alinghi's victory sets off an international rivalry in sailing that leads to the establishment of the Sailing Olympics, where athletes compete not just in sailing but also in speed-dating. Who knew yacht racing could lead to love?. Fact: Winning by 7 seconds is literally the nautical equivalent of getting the last slice of pizza—there's always someone who thinks they could've done it better if only they had a shot..